i feel like i’ll never be enough for anybody, and i’m having a hard time being me.
I have had a really sucky week and I just want someone to come tie me up and beat the shit out of me sexually, please.
I have this love / hate relationship with myself. I really think I am someone special, and someone would be lucky to have me in their life.
And then when I realize how often and easily I am discarded from people’s lives, I question myself. I question weather or not I am special, or a ‘catch’.
I am not pretty by any means, and I don’t turn heads.
I probably will never turn heads,
or be pretty
or be anything special.
But thats all I want to be.
I want people to approach me, I want guys to look at me once in awhile. I want to be special. I want people to want me around.
I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to be average or below average.
I hate myself today.
I hate myself every day.
I need someone to help me feel like I am worth what I like to think I am.
I know how people always say that you have to think you are worth something in order for someone else to think you are.
And that you have to love yourself before anyone else loves you, but I do think I am worth something and I do love myself. But with the comparison between me and the people I am around, and the way people just don’t seem to care about me, and can just leave me without question or regret.. it’s hard.
Have you ever had something happen, where all you want to do is call or text or just talk to someone. And not to just anyone, someone who really cares and wants to hear your problems or thoughts. Well tonight I realized that I don’t have that person anymore. My best friend and I have became something I never thought could happen, and I feel so alone.
I’m lost in the illusion that someone amazing will fall in love with me before I act a fool and fall for them.
I couldn’t tell you how often I type up my feelings on here, to rant, in hopes of maybe feeling better for a day. But then my words stop making sense, and my sentences run together and nothing I am saying even makes sense to me. I don’t know how to form my feelings, and thoughts into sentences because I get lost within my own head. It’s scary, to think that I can get lost within all that runs through my mind. Everything that bothers me, everything that is constantly on my mind. How I cannot even put how I feel into words. How can I expect to have a moment of relief when I can’t seem to find the way to express what is on my mind. I have no one I can talk to, so typing it to people who probably won’t read it is the only way I can clear my mind for maybe a second, and I cannot even do that. Such a simple task that I can not complete.
I spent the first night in his apartment with him. He’s the biggest bed hog, he has the worlds loudest snore, he steals all the blankets but puts a single hand on my thigh, which keeps my entire body on fire. I wake up constantly when I sleep next to him because he can’t stay still. He woke up me up this morning three times in the most ridiculous ways :
1. Pulled my underwear down and smacked my ass (7:13am)
2. Kept repeating “Baby, baby, baby wake up, baby.” (7:45am)
3. Jumped ontop of me and smacked me in the face with his dick. (8:02am)
So today my mom called me and told me I had to go to the mechanic by myself and ding out why my check engine light was on and why my car was riding so rough and I got off the phone and cried because I literally am that afraid of doing things alone.
I always thought that when I moved out of my parents and in with friends I would never feel alone, but I do. In fact, I feel more alone then I did when I was staying with my parents. No one asks how my day is, how I am, whats on my mind, and no one listens to me. Who knew.
Sometimes I think about how sad and lonely I am, and then I see the people I know that are in relationships or trying to find a relationship and I see how much pain and heartbreak and confusion they go through and that reminds me why I am the way I am, and why I don’t try for anyone. Reminds me why I hate feelings and falling for people.
So this is basically a PSA for those who try and get their hearts broken to remind me that i’m single because I give too much.